So once again, equipped with only my butter knife like wit and a cup of tea I forgot about that is now room temperature, I welcome you to another odd session of P-Chan Says! Thank You! Seeing as how this is a bi-weekly Ninja Legion blog I have to say that I have been doing fairly well considering the amount of randomness I encounter in my life. Topics however, are hard to come by BUT I have vowed not to let this dissolve into another place for me to complain about continuity in comics and my love of Godzilla. I’m not saying I’m not gonna reference any of those while writing this, I’m just saying that I have chosen to limit the use of words like boobs, Gundam, Spiderman, spoon, vagaygay, moist, tidbits, skidoosh, and duck. I am a good kid after all. No seriously. I have had the opportunity to do some amazingly wrong shit and didn’t. Just ask Cecil Blade. So, like a kid with Pokemon cards in the 90’s, lets get into this thing hardcore! What? Did you say that you never had Pokemon cards? You say you’ve never robbed an old lady on Christmas Eve, in a Walmart parking lot, for her holographic Charizard card?!? Then why the hell are you reading this? Oh, and this article is brought to you by: Random pix message porn, getting hit on by a fugly chick with a hand full of food stamps, beer at 7:35 AM, awkward Sesame Street references, and being a girlfriend short. Oh, and the letters P, C, H, A, and N!
I would just like to state, for the record, that there isn’t anything I specifically hate in the world. Actually that’s a bold faced lie. I hate Republicans, Pop-Tarts, and the Go-Bots. Why, I know all of you are not bothering to ask, do you hate these things? Well the answer is simple kiddies: Bizzaro. For all of you who don’t know who or what Bizzaro is, I will be brief. Bizzaro is a Superman villain who is essentially the mirror opposite of him. He even speaks in reverse. So let me put it to you this way, Republicans are Bizzaro versions of Democrats, Pop-Tarts are Toasters Strudel gone wrong, and Go-Bots are a very, very poor man’s Transformers. There are, however, worldly idiosyncrasies that cause strong and rather adverse reactions from me. One of these “Things” is love or its supposed notion. Now, I’m not talking the paper back story book drivel or any of the shit that Disney has been force feeding all of us since the 1930’s. I’m talking being a potato farmer in Ireland circa 1848 and putting your heart and soul into your crop only to be told that its the great potato famine. I’m not much for ideas that aren’t founded in some form of logic. As a writer, I might be obsessed with the whole notion or the destruction of the whole idea. You can be the judge. After many moons of dealing with this “Love” I have come to some very well documented ideas in my life. As usual, I will state that every one of these facts, a word I use in the loosest of the terms, are all based on my own experiences. So if they seem strange to you, bite me. Twice.
Rule #1 Natural Selection: Never, and I repeat, never become interested in a girl if you have a friend who is better looking than you. That, my friends is an instant fail situation. I call it the Benson Conundrum. I know from personal experience. This has happened to me several times over my lifetime. The Friend Zone is a lot like Purgatory-you don’t know why you’re there and its not exactly hell but surely not Heaven. You will never leave the Friend Zone if she falls for your friend. All I can ascertain from this strange and incomprehensible phenomenon is that it must be triggered by some pheromone or psychological flaw in human biology. How she could look at you, with your sincerity and open feelings and feel nothing but look at your buddy who has ZERO interest in her and fall in love with him? This about as confusing and as frustrating like trying to teach a five year old how to change the oil in your Durango. The best part about this whole situation will be when she gets upset because she can’t understand why your buddy can’t see how much she really really likes him, she will undoubtedly come to cry on your shoulder. You will want to tell her to go to Jersey, but being the decent human being you are, you will endure the indescribable shame that accompanies comforting someone you want to choke as much as marry.
Rule #2 The Darkside: No matter how rock solid your relationship is, its only one family member/friend/Oprah episode away from being screwed up. If you don’t believe me just take a look at my BPSA (Black Public Service Announcements) Valentine’s Day blog. Your girlfriend’s friends have the power to destroy the very fabric of your existence. Period. One well placed look, one strategically obtuse statement, or even an innocent question can guarantee that next time you see a nude form it will be in the Penthouse magazine you’ve kept hidden in your filing cabinet since the summer of 99′. You know what I’m talking about. The one from when Pam Anderson was still desirable (if ever there was such a time…). I would love to sit here and tell you that her girlfriend’s opinions don’t matter but I would be lying like a rug. Think of your lady like Anakin and her friends like Palpatine. She might not succumb to the Darkside today or even tomorrow, but someday Mustafar will rear its ugly lava covered head and you will suffer. This rarely happens with men though. It might be because our friends say SO much random stupid shit that we eventually become immune to the Darkside. Or rather, the really insane things we pull rarely affects our relationships because relationships are hard and the Darkside only has cookies and maybe Gerrard Way. Maybe.
Rule #3 Sex is a Weapon: Men are essentially slaves to the Vagina Army. Long has the rebellion fought for a foot hold in sexual equality but a hero has yet to arise. We, as men, have no weapon that can combat such a deadly and effective weapon. You can argue that women don’t just use sex as a weapon but I will put it to you this way: Korea has nuclear weapons but they’ve never directly threatened to use them, they just constantly develop ways to make them deadlier. See my point? We are helpless when confronted with the female form. Why? Well I have come up with one simple answer. Its because no matter how great a hotdog is its just silly without a bun. Period. That’s right. I just figured out world peace using hotdogs and buns. Thank me later.
Rule #4 Godzilla in Tokyo: Ladies, we are not a couple until you tell us we are and then the relationship dynamic enters, what I call, the Deal or No Deal phase. If I take you out to dinner twice, we are not in a relationship, I don’t belong to you, and my commitment level is relatively low. I can, and most likely will, see other women until one of them decides that a relationship is worth a try. It is at that time that we will enter the Deal or No Deal phase. Simply put, that just means I can take her deal or take my chances on another deal. Simple, no? Call me old school but that’s how I see things. I don’t know when this whole thought process became diluted ( I will take a shot in the dark here and blame feminists) but I am almost completely alone in this mindset. Maybe its the social networking age that has corrupted our judgment on the subject but someone has muddied the waters.
Rule #5 Casual Wear: Oprah, Feminists, and female friends ruined Friends with Benefits. The conversation will go something like this:
Palpatine: “So I heard you went to (insert male name)’s house last night! When did you get back?”
Your friend: “Oh, I just stayed over at (insert male name)’s house last night.”
(Long pause) Palpatine: “You mean you stayed over and slept with him?”
Your friend: “Yeah. We’re friends. Its no big deal.”
Palpatine: “Girl, if he wanted to be with you, he should BE with you! If he wants the milk he has to buy the cow!”
Your friend: “Its not like that. We like each other and things aren’t weird afterward.”
Palpatine: “Girl, he can’t have sex with just milk right? He needs the cow!”
Your friend: “I guess…”
That will be about the time she calls you and wants to talk. No woman has ever given a damn about your opinion. “Talking” means getting yelled at. Palpatine is a feminist and a lesbian in case you were wondering. She will be dating your “friend” on and off all during college until she becomes the Governor of Alaska. True story.
Now that I look back these aren’t as much rules as much as parameters of love life in the new millennium. Personally having suffered EVERY love faux pas on the planet, I feel qualified to speak on said subject. Having thus destroyed every bit of my less than pathetic street cred I have I will just say that I suck at love. Love, for me, is very much the evil overweight boss, who cancels your vacation to make you stay and do her paperwork over the weekend. I like Gundams, Under Roos, mint chocolate chip ice cream, and Livy’s art. They have never let me down. I’m sure this will be the blog that gets the Feminist Liberal Assassination Squad sent after me. Oh well!